We Told You Coonery Doesn't Pay...

Seems like the Ice Cream Man took Project Slap-A-Negro to a whole new level:

Let this be a message to you all:  think before you coon. 

Project Slap-A-Negro

Before the founding of this magnificent blog, Gen. Leroy and I had many conversations which generally centered around the rampant ignorance in our very own community.


None of these conversations were very out of the ordinary, despite being particularly well-informed, hilarious, and better than yours. The magic happened when Gen. Leroy, in a stroke of pure genius, developed Project Slap-A-Negro.

I know what you're thinking: I would slap black folk all the time if I could never put my hands on another person. And giving my absolute disgust for batterers (irrespective of their ability to honor MJ well) , you would think I would declare never to slap a negro either.


But just hear me out.


Gen. Leroy's plan does not allow for just random slappin' all willy nilly. On the contrary, it requires a discerning eye and precise form. Here's a scenario:


You are responsible for recruiting, selecting, and advising your company's interns. You take particular pride in your role, knowing that you can provide the opportunity a deserving young black or brown kid might not have without your help. You're looking out. Paying it forward. After all--someone gave you an opportunity once, provided guidance, and helped mold you into the Y(B)P you are today. So, now it's your turn to make a way for someone else.

All you need for them to do is hold up their end of the bargain.

But then, they send you some shit like this. Worst.Resume.Ever. Misspellings everywhere, piss poor grammar, and irrelevant ass jobs like "concession stand trainee" and "marker manager, ms. dodson's third grade class."

So, being the benevolent coordinator that you are, you write back to lil dude and give him a chance to redeem himself. You tell him, "Look, I'm going to tell you something most people wouldn't: This shit sucks donkey balls. You can't apply for a writing intensive job and not be able to write. Have a friend look at it, fix it, and get it back to me by the end of the day."

You pat yourself on the back for passing on the priceless wisdom of a 23-year-old seasoned professional, and probably saving this poor kid from years and years of rejection.

Surprisingly, lil dude gets it together enough to get an interview.

And this youngblood shows up late. Really, really late. Don't even worry about it late.

At this point, you realize that Project Slap-A-Negro is not only appropriate, but necessary.

You invite this simple fool into your office, grab the thickest, most well-worn, hardcover copy of "The Souls of Black Folk,"





look him square in the face






and slap the dog shit out of him.



By now you should be able to see that Project Slap-A-Negro is not inherently violent, but rather, a vital firearm in the arsenal against ignorance. Hell, it can even be called uplifting. And by now, you are thinking of tons of negroes would slap if given the chance. (Just for good measure, let's give this stellar guy another shout out.)

Now, after slapping the offending Negro with the Du Bois masterpiece, you must give him/her a copy and demand any or all of the following:

• Repentance in the name of self-respecting black folk everywhere;
• An apology (written or verbal) to the offended party(ies);
• A written report, powerpoint presentation, or policy brief examining the malfeasance of their actions and their detailed plan for improvement;
• Monthly donations to the United Negro College Fund for proving their motto with foolish ease;
• The destruction of all coonerific paraphernalia in their possession, beginning with any Soulja Boy (is that how you spell that crap?) items

Note Bene: Heighten the impact by pre-highlighting important sections and provide liner notes you deem necessary.


So now you see: Project Slap-A-Negro is downright healthy. You get to exorcise your frustrations, and the youngblood gets a lesson in the ways of the world. It's really a win-win.


Before I wrap this up, you should know that this Project can have any incarnation you deem necessary, and is not limited to race or literary selection. Maybe you need to slap someone with the The Feminine Mystique. And I think we can all agree we need to slap this cat, who is clearly not black, or sane.


So, perhaps Project Slap-A-Negro can be the precursor to Project Slap-A-Fool, because in order to curb this pandemic we call rampant ignorance, we all need to do our part.

So let's all get together and start by slapping Montana Fishburne.